Darkness

The night was freezing, so I closed all the windows and curtains. I curled up on the couch with a blanket and a cup of tea on the sofa, enjoying the lit chimney. It was the middle of winter. I tried watching TV, but the weather asked for something less busy, so I grabbed my book and continued right where I left off. Or at least, I tried to, but the book just wasn’t doing it for me.

Thunder made the windows shake. I could hear the wind outside. A shiver ran down my spine as I pulled my blanket tighter. I stared at the fire, thinking “Great. Just what I needed. Just my blanket, my fire, my couch and the worst storm I’ve lived through. No reason to think about the party I didn’t go to. About my friends having fun without me. About…» My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of another thunder strike, closer this time.

I’ve never been any good with thunderstorms, which would be obvious to anyone who had seen just how natural it was for me to panic when they came close. I sighed as I uncovered my face. I heard the news about the storm in the morning, which was my only valid excuse for not going to the party. That was not the full truth, though. In reality, I didn’t want to see him, neither did I want to deal with everyone else asking questions, I just wanted my space and the peace my house offered. But now, maybe, just maybe, I was starting to regret it.

Memories came flooding back, like flashes from the thunder. Loneliness had never been my strongest suit, even less so on rainy days like this. Another thunder struck down and took the lights out. Only the flicker of the fire remained.

The house creaked, complaining of the weather. I was frozen in place. I eyed around the living room, and everything seemed normal. I sighed, shook my head, and took my phone. The Internet was down, but at least the light coming out from the screen was a comforting sight. I wanted to go into my gallery and revisit my photos, but I knew better than that. But still, I couldn’t help it, so I opened the Photos app and started scrolling. I knew which specific photo I was looking for, and I clicked on it. It showed a sunny day near the lake, outside our college, a couple of years ago. I could feel the warmth of his smile. The way he wrapped my waist with his arm, making me feel protected. I tried to zoom on us, and couldn’t. My phone was not doing what I wanted; instead, it zoomed into a random point in the background, where I saw something weird. There was something in the picture that I had never seen before, not when we first took it, not on any other time that I had revisited that memory. I couldn’t distinguish it clearly; it looked like a shadow, long and dark, but it was impossible to see exactly who or what it was. I kept trying to focus on us, but instead of that, my phone changed the photo. This time, I had no time to focus on me, or him, or anything. Only on the shadow in the background, closer this time.

It was eerie. I couldn’t see a face, but it looked like a human shadow. Although a little bit taller than a normal person. I shivered as I tried to make out the details of it. I closed the gallery and left the turned-off phone on the table. I curled up on the couch, covered by the blanket, while watching the fire. How many times had I seen that photo before, without noticing anything? Why couldn’t I focus on moving on, forget about it, and return to my comfort zone? All I could think of was the shadowy figure, covering my every thought. I tried to distract myself from that, center my brain on his face, but now, I could only think of a shadow.

I stood up and walked to the light switch on the wall. I tried turning on the lights in the living room, but nothing happened. I went back to the sofa for my phone, and instead of browsing on it, used it as a flashlight and walked to the kitchen, thinking that at least I could turn on the stove and heat some water. While waiting for the kettle to be done, I sat in front of the window of the sink and looked outside.

The darkness was deep, only briefly interrupted by those intermittent thunders coming down around me. The contrast of the light with the darkness resonated with me. I had been feeling unlike myself for a while, like I was floating away, only drifting, barely above water. Another flash came down, coordinated with the ring of the kettle, filling the kitchen with its warm smoke. I poured the water into my cup and stayed by the window, trying to see the yard or anything from outside. But I couldn’t distinguish anything, only the darkness, feeling ever closer to me. I shook my head and walked back to the living room. The fire was almost dead, so I just curled, enjoying the last bit of warmth the fire could give.

Even though I knew better, I took my cellphone once again and went into our conversation. He was blocked, of course. I had to. But I couldn’t bring myself to delete his messages. I reread some of them, trying to make myself remember the pain that had forced me to make the decision. I so wanted to hate him and not miss him. I clicked his profile picture, and instead of his face, I was met by a shadow.

I dropped my phone, a loud thud on the floor. What the hell? How did that happen? Maybe he blocked me, too? When people block you then you are not allowed to see their picture, right? Also, it could be the lack of internet, making it unable to load properly, showing a shadow instead of a photo. I picked up my phone slowly, checked that the screen hadn’t cracked and left it on the table, face down.

The fire was about to go out, and I had no more wood to burn. That was something that he used to help me with. It was about to go completely dark, aside from the brief flickers provided by the storm. Another flash, a big one, which instinctively made me close my eyes. But when I did, I could only see the shadow, ever closer to me. I opened my eyes in a panic.

I sat on the couch, dropping the blanket from my shoulders. I looked around me, afraid of what I think I just saw. The house was empty, long shadows from the furniture around me caused by the dying fire. The cold was starting to surround me. I grabbed my phone, I could try calling someone, but who? My family was too far away to do something, less so with this much rain. The police wouldn’t believe me if I told them there was a shadow stalking me. The girls were at the party. Him? He had been my safe space for so long that I could hardly think of anyone else in a hurry. But that would mean unblocking him, and accepting I needed him, and that was a line I couldn’t allow myself to cross. So I tried doing the next best thing and forced myself to imagine his voice calming me down. No words came to my mind, only the silence of his absence.

I tried meditating. Once I finally had my breathing at a normal pace, I opened my eyes, and I saw how the fire died. The moment the last spark disappeared, there was a loud bang on the front door. I froze in place. The sudden lack of lights around me, the cold starting to grow from the rain, and the thumping on the door made my previous attempts to calm down gone in an instant. Instinctively, I grabbed my cellphone, pointing upwards in an attempt to light my place, but it was dimmer than usual. Much dimmer. The darkness around me was thick, and I felt it all around me. I shivered and tried to light my way to the room. I walked, looking behind me every few steps. I couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. 

Once I crossed my room door, I locked it behind me and sat on the floor, the blanket around my shoulders as I unlocked my phone and browsed through my contacts list. He wasn’t there, of course, since I had deleted his contact number to keep myself from calling him, but I kept looking for him, the only person who could bring me any sort of comfort and peace and safety. Each scroll was harder and harder, as the darkness around me kept covering me. The light of the cellphone kept dimming. I only had 5% of battery left. I dropped the phone on the floor next to me, wanting to save that remaining light for when I needed it more, and I hugged my legs closer to me as the thunder made the windows shake. I closed my eyes and started humming to distract myself.

Another loud thump, this one closer than the last. Much closer. Enough to feel sure that it was a knock on the door of my bedroom. From inside.

I let out a silent scream, I covered my mouth with my hand, and crawled away from the door. I could see a darker something close to me. I moved until my body crashed into the bookshelf in the room. My eyes never left the shadow that was now inside my room. I could see how it slowly moved towards me.

I started to panic, my breathing was faster by the second.I tried to move away, but there was nowhere to go. At least, nowhere away from the darkness. If only he were here. If only he hadn’t left me so alone.

My back bumped on the wall; there was nowhere else to move, and the shadow cornered me. I felt the coldness envelope me as it launched at me. Once it did, I felt nothing. Everything around me went dark, like floating in a void, isolated from everything. Was I even alive anymore? No light, no sound. I couldn’t even feel my own body. And as soon as that feeling came, it went away. The light was back.

The door of my room opened with a loud crash, and he walked inside. He kneeled in front of me and hugged me. I hugged him back, confused about what just happened and his presence. How had he known I needed him? He said some calming words, and as I relaxed in his embrace, I could see over his shoulder that the shadow was retreating to the corner, disappearing.

«I tried calling you, but couldn’t reach you. I came as soon as I heard the news about the storm. I am here». And as much as I wanted to cry, to bawl my eyes out, I couldn’t stop looking at the odd spot where the shadow had been, afraid that, as soon as I looked away, it would come back.